Posts tagged ‘funny English translations’

April 9th, 2010

Things I've Kept: Funny Student Papers

I was sitting in my room in Ukraine when I started hearing my flatmate laughing pretty loudly. After it didn’t stop, I had to ask what was going on because who likes to be left out of a funny moment?

It turns out she was grading papers from her English students, and one student in particular was giving her quite the laugh.

Obviously, the title of this assignment is “UFO”, but this student decides to take it in another direction by talking about how he shouldn’t have married someone because she didn’t love him. He then continues:

“I’m liar, am I? I’m crazy, am I?! Let me tell you something! You are wild, crazy, insane creature! If I had known that you’re such a cold, stuck up b_ _ _ _, I would never have gotten married with you. My heart is broken. Get off my house!”

Oh, and by the way, this was an adult student and not some outspoken and troubled youngster, so it’s OK to laugh. And then I read his next assignment and thought, “Hmm… I’m not so sure about that ‘troubled’ part anymore!”

This assignment dealt with planning a holiday. In the article, this same student was asking a hotel for a list of rates, which seems pretty normal… until he said this:

“I’m going to go to Antalya with my wife and two children. I would like to ask you for a favor. Please don’t tell my wife that I was with a young girl that last time cause she’s not my daughter. I don’t have any daughter, only two sons.”

After teaching English, even for a short period of time, it is safe to say that it can get a bit repetitive and boring after a while. Well, it turns out that even students get bored and need to mix it up to stay interested.

December 24th, 2009

Americans Don't Speak English

I’ve probably mentioned it before, but a large part of the English-speaking Western world actually believes that Americans don’t speak English. So, what exactly do we Americans speak? American!

Look, I’ll give it to the Brits that perhaps their English is the more proper and correct version. They did, after all, father the language. We Americans then took it and simply made it… better. Ha, well, at least in my mind, we made it more efficient.

capsicumA big difference between American English and British English is the spelling of various words. I like to think that by leaving out unnecessary letters, we just make it easier. Think colour (British English) and color (American English). The u is simply an added chore to write or type.

Another difference is with the pronunciation of certain words, and I also like to think that we tend to sway on the efficiency side. Take the word mobile. In British English, it is pronounced like mo-by-ul, but in American English, it is commonly pronounced as mo-bull. The latter definitely takes a little less to say the same thing, right?

I’ve heard it all from the Brits, especially when some learned last year that I would be teaching American English in Ukraine. They always stated how stupid it was to only focus on American English, but the truth is that American English is generally thought of as the language of business. And, it even turned out that my short time spent virtual teaching Korean kids after first arriving in Australia involved American English as well. Yes, American English rocks, but since the Brits do have that whole “inventing the language thing”, I generally give their side of the argument a point from the start.

However, what I do have a problem with is when the friggin’ Aussies come around and try to say things like Australian English is better than American English because they happen to keep in all those crazy unnecessary letters and such.

What I’d like to know is if they have actually heard themselves talk because there is something silly going on down here in their lingo, and it makes it definitely different from the original. So, who are they to say their language is better, right?!

Fair dinkum, mate.

A Language Barrier

I always wondered what it would be like to date someone that spoke another language. It is quite interesting to see people in relationships with foreigners that barely speak a lick of English because I feel that so much of a relationship relies on the ability to communicate. If I couldn’t tell my partner exactly how I felt… I can’t even imagine! But, somehow, some people make it work.

Now, we may not speak completely different languages, my boyfriend and I, but you could say that we speak different dialects of English. You would be surprised how many times I find myself asking him the meaning of an Aussie word or phrase, or just to repeat himself because I couldn’t quite catch it the first time. Yep, we do have a language barrier between us. Here is one such instance:

When I moved into my new apartment, I needed to search out a mattress. We thought we would go to this foam shop he knew about because he heard they were quite comfortable for the price. To check out the exact address, we decided to do a quick web search and go from there.

I was manning the keyboard with Patrick by my side. He started by spitting out the store’s name, which sounded something like “Clock Robba”. Seriously, I had no freaking idea what he was saying. Dumbfounded, I looked at him in confusion as I tried to piece together whether “Clock Robba” could actually be the name for a foam shop.

My fingers couldn’t even begin to type because I honestly was so confused.

How do you spell that? C l o c k?” I asked.

No,” said Pat. “Clock like the name silly.

What the…?

C l a r k!” he spelled.

Oh. my. goodness. I really had no idea. We laughed and I typed in “Clark” as was necessary, and then was shocked again when I had to spell out “Robba”.

Long story short, I was so confused because it was actually a store called “Clark Rubber”, but we just had a failure to communicate. True story!

August 20th, 2008

Central Asian TidBits Buffet

In an attempt to be caught-up and on-the-ball upon my return abroad in September, I’ve decided to combine all these little ideas for individual blog posts into one smorgasbord of interesting bits. So, here you have it! What I’ve learned, loved, lacked and l-acquired (?) while in Central Asia.

bishkek at night

Snot Rockets in Paradise:

If said more than a few times in the past, but I am super, super, super germaphobic. I hate the idea of eating off other people, with a passion, once that may have even brought me to tears. Something about the thought of someone else’s slimy saliva sitting on my food, or the idea of getting sick from their germs… ugh… well it makes me cringe. I came a long way during my time in K-Stan, and sometimes I am able to block this fear out of my head completely and just dig in. (I only said sometimes…)

Well if this wasn’t bad enough, there are definitely other parts of the culture I find a bit on the disgusting end of the spectrum. Watch out when you’re walking behind some local guys. Let’s just say they have a tendency to spit or blow snot rockets off to the side, and if you’re in the right place, you just might get caught in the crossfire.

Plastic Bag Much?

In Bishkek, a city where the majority of people commute by public transport, or just plain walking, locals need a way to carry items to work, school, etc. The funny part about this is they choose to do so in a plastic bag. Everyone has a plastic bag. They are so popular you can even buy them at little kiosks with their own local brand names. Erica hit the jackpot when she bought a plastic bag displaying a picture of an eagle with the line, “Protect Feral Animal” on it. You have to love those great English translations.

Meet the Family:

The Kyrgyz are definitely quick to take you as a part of their own family, and one such experience stands out in my mind. Ryan and I were finishing dinner in the apartment when I heard someone shouting outside, “Do you speak English?!”

I popped my head out the balcony and looked up to see my upstairs neighbor hanging his head out of the window. After a short exchange, he invited us up to his apartment, where we were fed lagman (yum!), introduced to his entire family, and then made part of said family. How nice!

Going Local:

There’s a term the students at the London School liked to use when a foreigner comes in and then starts worrying about a price difference of 5 soms, or starts to enjoy local beverages. When this happens, they’ve “gone local”.

kumiz

Remember that poll I had about drinking fermented mare’s milk? Let me refresh your memory:

(I have since omitted polls since redoing my site, but let’s just say that the majority of people did not want to drink fermented mare’s milk.)

The drink is actually called Kumiz and is as disgusting as it sounds. But, when you are at a table of foreigners with a pitcher of this stuff in the middle, and a table of local Kyrgyz look at it and say, “I want what they’re having,” you know you’ve done it. You’ve gone local.

When it’s hot, it’s hot!

I had heard stories of the heat in Bishkek, but didn’t believe it would actually be that bad until one day it reached 110 degrees while I was living on the 8th floor of an apartment building without air conditioning. I wanted to die.

Maybe High Heels DO Look Good With… Everything?

Another student told me a fairly bad joke that goes a little something like this:

Q – How can you spot the Russian woman at the beach?
A – She’s the one in the high heels.

I don’t know how those girls over there do it, but they are always sporting a pair – rain or shine! And just like worrying over 5 soms, in time I began to think, “Hey, maybe those heels would go good with my bathing suit.” No, I don’t have a pair yet, but give it time people.

Bishkek – Nightlife Hotspot?

No, not really. But, there are a few places to go after nightfall for some action, take for instance, the Golden Bull where we found this Kyrgyz stripper/flame dancer.

stripper

Where Everyone Knows Your Name:

I flew out of Almaty, Kazakhstan to come home, and that involved yet another Kyrgyz-Kazakh border crossing experience. I had all of my stuff with me (I have acquired a LOT while in Bishkek), so the taxi driver let me keep my bag in the back of the taxi and explain to the border guys what was actually in it so I didn’t have to carry it. As I was standing there talking to one, I heard another from behind say my name.

Crap. I turned around to see a familiar face – one of the ten border guards that I dealt with back in June. He started asking me why I hadn’t called Rinat back, and when I would come back, etc. I got out of that one by saying I needed to go have my passport stamped, but as I was walking out I was shouted at to see my backpack.

Lies. All lies. He didn’t want to see my bag. He wanted to verify with my passport that I was in fact that American girl that Rinat was desperately phoning the previous month or so before. Wow.

Room for seconds? Keep checking back…

August 8th, 2008

Bizarre Bazaar Finds

Walmart, McDonald’s, and Stop n Shop’s do not exist here (although Narodnie is an excellent little grocery store) in K-Stan. So, when I want to buy something not of designer quality, I head to the bazaar – a place I love, a place I hate… a place I simply love to hate!

Shopping at the bazaar used to be an insanely overwhelming experience, but now that normalcy has set in after a few months in Central Asia, I find them quite pleasurable (I’ll go there when I’m bored just to look around), and sometimes very amusing. Here I would like to share a few of the amazing finds that just make me giggle:

I’m an XXL?!

When wanting to add a pair of underwear to my wardrobe, I went to the underwear aisle to find a suitable piece. When the lady asked me my size I told her I was American and did not know for sure according to their labels. She pulled out a Large and said it was the normal size here.

I stood there for a few minutes looking at the very tiny piece of material held in front of my eyes. That’s normal?! It was at that moment that I looked around and quickly addressed the fact that these Asian and Russian girls have NO HIPS whatsoever, and I with my American-sized caboose am a bazaar panties size XXL. Go me.

The best T-shirt ever!

Since I only arrived in Bishkek with 2 t-shirts, I desperately needed more to add to my tiny wardrobe, especially when it started getting warm outside. I just couldn’t pass this one up when I found it.

dry cleaning shirt

“It’s timeta take your heart on the thing for dry cleaning. The dry cleaning service vanderful your winter clohets. Your dry cleaning service wonderful suggestions.”

My new kicks!

my new kicks

Yes, these shoes are on my feet. I simply couldn’t take my eyes off of them – just look at all the colors!

Toothpaste or propaganda?

white power

While browsing through the Chinese market, I came across this toothpaste. Instead of it reading “Whitening Power”, it simply states “White Power”. I have since seen this brand in the normal supermarkets so it is not indigenous to just the bazaars, but still deserves a shout-out.

Cheap Tupperware!

I just love all the Chinese products that make it over here with horrible English on it. Just take a look at this Tupperware.

storage container

“Cook should use convenient and smart kitchenware. Because good tool bring great pleasure in cooking. And cooking with pleasure bring delicious food.”

Well it is good to know that my cooking will be good when I use these!

And so conclude my bizarre bazaar finds thus far, but don’t you worry… There’s plenty more where that came from.